Pregnancy After Infertility

34 weeks. Is this real life?

I’m guessing there comes a time in every pregnant woman’s life where she starts panicking. Like yes, this is really happening.

No? Just me?

There’s been a number of little issues in the past few days that have kickstarted this OMG-ing.

  1. I hit 34 weeks. A great, wonderful week to hit in the preemie world. Not a good enough week for those full-termers. It’s also the milestone in which doctors would not try and stop my labor if it happened. This is it – I’ve successfully avoided bed rest (especially the hospital variety) and the nasty drugs that stop labor. I’ve remained on my feet for far longer than last time. And speaking of last time, I delivered my twins during week 34. It’s just – it’s a big week.
  2. My Braxton Hicks are changing. I know my body pretty well – and I know I’m not in active labor. If I were, I would have been since about four days ago. The BH continue to increase – yes, I’ve met that “6 in an hour, call your doctor” marker about 150 times. And they’re starting to hurt a hair. They’re a bit more uncomfortable. They kind of freak me out. In fact, THINKING about them gives me them. Reading about them gives me them. I’ll probably sacrifice one or two just writing this post.
  3. ┬áB was sick this weekend. Nothing we couldn’t handle, and I’m knocking on wood that both my twins have been healthy for over a year. Maybe a year and a half. Literally, it’s been that long since they were sick. I didn’t even have a working thermometer before this weekend. All he had was a high fever, which has since passed but left him pale and not very hungry. I found myself wanting to take care of him, as moms do. We snuggled a bunch, I held his almost 40-pound self much more than I have in recent months. I also stressed about him, which is just what I do I think, when my kids are sick.

And all of these things happened in the span of a few days. In their aftermath, I’m left feeling panicked. Oh my goodness – we’re not ready. I’m not ready.

I’m not ready because:

-I’m scared. This is the true reason, I think, for all the others. Birth with the twins was absolutely terrifying. It was too rushed and crazy to be scared in the moment last time. I think I was in shock. I went out of my own head, as I was screaming down the hall, almost delivering in an elevator. I’m left with a bad taste for birth, and that’s too bad, because I know how wonderful it can be. I’m scared that this birth will be just as scary – just as rushed, just as painful, just as stressful if I have a preemie, because they’re going to whisk this baby away to the NICU as they did with the twins. I just want a “normal”, “on-time” birth.

-The twins need me. Perhaps a common fear for moms who already have at least one child, but it’s there nevertheless. I don’t feel ready to divert my attention to a newborn and away from them. They are still very young, and they need me. On the weekends, I’m busy as hell taking care of them. Yes, they have plenty of other family who loves them and will step forward and help, not to mention their favorite Daddy who is there for them as much as I am. But still – they need Mommy sometimes. Hell – I need them. And you know what? I don’t want people coming to take my twins out of the house so I can have time with the baby. I don’t want people to take over twin duty. They can clean my house, wash my dishes, walk my dogs. But all this change happening at once – I need the two little ones who may just keep me grounded, and remind me of everyday life before this baby. I need my twins around. I just hope they can adjust to the change in attention towards them with relative ease.

-My house isn’t ready. When I was pregnant with the twins, I apparently had nothing better to do and I spent most mornings researching baby products and getting the house ready. This time, my house remains a cluttered, chaotic mess, with no space for the baby yet. I mean, it’s just totally different. I’ve dug through old clothes and washed some things – but that’s about it. I think this baby may sleep in a paper sack.

It’s hard to explain the change I feel emotionally – from, yeah, I’m still pregnant and I will be for a while, to – this is happening like, soon. I mean, please, don’t let it happen right now, it’s too soon. But it’s coming, and I apparently am having trouble wrapping my brain around that.

They, apparently, are ready. They've got their babies in their bellies, too!
They, apparently, are ready. They’ve got their babies in their bellies, too!

 

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