My last post, and the events that came before it, made me feel like I shouldn’t be blogging. I went through a few days of – “What am I doing, exactly?” Putting out there on the internet how challenging my son can be sometimes, and then later, how inadequate I feel in handling him and other aspects of parenting? Why? Why do others need to read about how lately, almost every parenting decision I make, even the tiny ones, I’m doing with doubt? Or the fact that a few times, with my husband nearby, I’ve been unsure of how to hold my ground or make a decision that’s best for ME (knowing it might make my children upset) and have needed my husband to step in and put his foot down? That I’ve been incapable of lowering my own foot?
I’m not sure why I write about these things, because after a while I start to feel vulnerable and sheepish. If I never wrote about it, people would think I have it all together, right? Surely, I should be blogging about all the things I do right. There’s so much good in this house, so many things go right, my twins sleep well and they play and they love and we laugh and it’s good. Most of the time.
Honestly, what more is there to say about that? It’s the love and happiness of my twins that gets me bounding up the stairs at 7:20 every morning, to watch my daughter spring up in her crib (ever a morning person, like her Mommy) and declare, “It’s not a work day, right?” And to go over to my son’s crib and rub his back as he forces his eyes open, struggling to wake and muttering, “What day is it?” I could talk about how it feels every weekday to get in my car, pull out of the driveway, honk 5 times (because ahem, routines) and wave to those two little hands who are waving back at me out the front window and feel this pull as I drive down the street. The ache of wanting, needing to turn around and pull back in the driveway and send my nanny home. What would I even say? I’d say, “Nevermind, guys – I’m home with you for the whole day! And we’ll eat breakfast together, and we’ll go to the grocery store (their current obsession) and the library and the playground!” I know many parents face this same daily internal battle. Luckily, I can push the feeling away by the time I get to work. This is a good thing, or I wouldn’t be able to teach the 24 students sitting in my classroom.
I said to my husband this evening, “I love B’s serious, contemplative, sensitive nature. I just don’t love his meltdowns.” And it’s true. I wouldn’t change him for anything – his body is calm, he’s not a climber, a jumper. He’s not hyper. He’s a huge snuggle, he loves to learn. He loves to repeat a game when he’s found one he loves. C does it too. He loves to be silly, he loves songs. He’s learning “Wheels on the bus” on the piano. He sets up his cars on the table and pushes one at a time so.very.slowly, so he can watch the wheels spin. Nothing he does is rushed, messy or careless – everything is done slowly and with purpose. And I think that’s awesome. He’s got serious attention to detail. Maybe a future engineer, like his Daddy.
Yes, it’s true that at his first egg hunt (of 4 this weekend, and he got better every time), he missed out on picking up a whole bunch of eggs because they weren’t orange. He didn’t quite understand the process at first, but now he gets it. It’s true that he asks me to pick him up and walk him over giant puddles, even though if the opportunity arose, he’d take off his socks and shoes and splash like crazy. It’s true that he struggles to cope with changes in routine, and an epic meltdown that occurred over the weekend stemmed simply from the fact that Daddy did the Sunday morning bath instead of me.
But these things don’t really make up who he is. He’s really such a truly happy, sweet boy, and sometimes, even in my writing, that’s what I want to focus on.
And C – my love for my daughter runs so deep that it physically hurts just thinking about it. Because it’s more than just loving who she is. It’s recognizing many things in her that are also in me, things I worry about for her, like being such a people-pleaser that she’s a total pushover. Her brother rules games, TV, routines. She follows. And when given the chance to make decisions and go first, she refuses to do it. She’s happy when others are happy – she puts her brother before herself. That quality, at age 2, just makes me emotional, and I’m not even sure how to categorize it. It’s not a learned behavior (neither are B’s behaviors) – they were both born with these qualities. It’s who they are.
C’s a rule follower. Here at the egg hunt, the little boy next to us couldn’t stop putting his hands on those pink ropes. He was flopping like a fish all over the ground to get underneath before the announcer said, “Go”. Neither of my children have ever done that, and I know I’m lucky. C stands and waits patiently, she looks around, she’s thoughtful and contemplative. She does what we say and trusts that we’re right.
And while B has my serious, sensitive personality (minus the meltdowns, thankyouverymuch), C has my husband’s adventurous side. Not afraid to get messy, to get crazy and silly, happiest when upside down and being tickled into oblivion – I’m just so proud of her ability to go with the flow, to handle what comes her way, to be so conscientious and thoughtful.
Lastly – what keeps me going is the twins’ love for each other. Even though they’ve decided that B and I are “best friends” and C and Daddy are “best friends” (and they refer to us as such: “Where’s your best friend, C?”) – the truth is, they’re each other’s best friends. If B is laughing and C doesn’t know why, you’d better bet she’s laughing too, seeing her brother happy. And B won’t play a game without her, because he wants her next to him. He’ll approach her many times a day – “Do you want to play ____ game?” until she says yes to something, and they’ll go off together and, today, pull out their play food and put salt all over their bananas and waffles and laugh and laugh.
They’re starting to compliment each other more and more without me prompting, clapping for each other and saying, “Great job!” or “You can do it!” or “Try again!” and it melts my heart. They’re total besties and they can’t go about their day without each other. When I found out I was having twins, this was the one thing I really wanted. For them to form a strong bond.
So – it’s for all of these reasons that I am still writing. You guys are out there and you’re reading it and being supportive. I’m still surprised to be seeing new “faces” joining me here on this new blog. Thank you. I guess that means I’m saying things that you can relate to. Or maybe you just feel bad for me, haha. I find myself venting often lately, but truthfully, there’s just so much love in this house. I guess I really do have a lot to say.